Cat Scratch Fever
by Yxonomei
Summary: [Yaoi, GaaNaru, humor] Naruto thinks he's a cat, and Gaara's fine with that.
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings:** Slash/Yaoi, humor (bordering on crack!fic-ness), neko-itis

**Pairings:** Gaara/Naruto

**Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Owned by Kishimoto Masashi, et al.

**Summary:** Naruto thinks he's a cat, and Gaara's fine with that.

A/N: for Dimitri Doinav in return for the wonderful GaaNaru pic! (loves)

A/N 2: Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.

* * *

::Cat Scratch Fever::

* * *

It's one of those perplexing moments when Temari doesn't know if she should coo over how cute her little brother is being or question his mental state—or Uzumaki Naruto's for that matter. Why is Gaara swishing around a cat-teaser and why on earth is that blond idiot chasing after it in a decidedly feline-esque manner? The cat-teaser goes up and Uzumaki rears up, batting at it with loosely curled fists. It skitters across the floor and Uzumaki follows, pouncing and pawing at the fluffy end. A chewed feather is caught in his hair, and Gaara is doing his almost-smile, which means he's happy—really and truly.

Now what the hell is up with Uzumaki?

She clears he throat. "Kazekage-sama, I have the latest reports from Teams Eight and Thirteen."

Pale green eyes flicker over to her for a moment and then return to Uzumaki-nekochan. This really isn't much of a surprise to his older sister: he rarely spares a glance for anyone else when the Leaf-nin is in the room. He's besotted. So cute! For the first time in her life, she gets to have an adorable baby brother!

Kankuro was such a mouthy little prick when he was a kid, never any respect for his older sister, and Gaara, before he met Uzumaki, well, the less she recalls about then the better. But now, now Gaara comes to her for relationship advice, sort of. She even had to give him the "birds and the bees" talk; Kankuro had just given Gaara a bunch of pornography when she asked him to do it—this led Gaara to ask her if he could only have sex with Uzumaki if the blond was doing his creepy, in Temari's mind, _oiroke no jutsu_. Yes, she was the one to give Gaara the Talk, man-on-man edition. He even took notes, very, very detailed notes, and asked questions, lots and lots of very specific questions. She had to delve into her secret stash of adult graphic novels to more clearly explain certain… things.

But back to the problem at hand: "What's wrong with Uzumaki?"

Her little brother continues to tease the other boy with the cat toy and motions for her to set the sheaf of paper on his neat desk.

"His team encountered a band of rogue-nin en route to Suna. No injuries on Konoha's side, but Naruto was trapped in a _genjutsu_."

Swish. Jump. Pounce. Is the blond boy mewing?

"And now…?"

"He appears to think he is a cat."

Swish. Jump. Pounce. Yes, definitely mewing. And what is with that little butt wiggle there?

"And why has no one tried to snap him out of it?" The chakra-scars really add to the whole cat-thing Uzumaki has going on right now. His canines seem a bit pointier than usual, as well. Maybe Gaara has some sort of feline-fetish—and, wow, she does not want to think about that, at all, ever again, his studiousness during the Talk was bad enough—and maybe that's why he hasn't freed his friend. Wait, but then what about Uzumaki's teammates? Surely, they wouldn't leave him like this. Well, his _sensei_ might, but that Haruno girl seems like the no-nonsense type.

"It has been tried, but without success. The _shinobi_ responsible is being interrogated at this moment."

"I see." She sets the reports down on the stone-topped desk and wonders how many fingers the rogue-nin has left, or how many pints of blood. Nobody messes with Gaara's loudmouth blond. "Also, here's an updated list of mission requests," she adds, setting a scroll atop the paper stack.

"Thank you."

Uzumaki makes a pitiful little mewl when Gaara puts the toy aside and turns to resume his duties as Kazekage. However, the boy-who-thinks-he's-a-cat is not to be thwarted. Temari holds her amusement in check behind a tight smirk as Uzumaki not-so-subtly begins to squirm his way up onto her brother's lap. Considering that the blond menace is five inches taller and fifteen or so pounds heavier than Gaara, his antics are worth a slightly wider grin—also the fact that the redhead is letting him do this. Only the occasional grunt leaves her brother's lips when one of Uzumaki's bony angles jabs him in a soft spot.

It's rather cute, and disturbing, but mostly cute. She has to tell Matsuri about this. Kankuro's fiancée and Gaara's former student is the only one of her acquaintances with whom she can share these adorable moments.

Now the Uzumaki-nekochan has finally managed to fit all those long, gangly limbs on Gaara's lap and he seems determined to prevent her brother from getting any work done. The boy seems to think the reports are a new toy, especially when Gaara moves them so he can actually read what they say. Uzumaki keeps sticking his face up against each one and nibbles at the corners, or tries to bat them off the desk. Temari has to wonder how much of that is the cat and how much of that is Uzumaki himself. Whenever he visits, he's always trying to lure Gaara away from work. The boy finally settles down when her brother begins to scratch the back his head. Then he goes limp against Gaara, gently butting his nose against her brother's cheek and—dear Gods—purring.

Temari really should take her leave, but she can't move or else she might succumb to an uncontrollable fit of girlish giggles and that would just ruin her reputation as a tough, no-nonsense assistant to the Kazekage and head of an elite squad of _jounin_ tasked with protecting their leader. But, damn, this scene is really too much.

"Is that everything?" the Kazekage asks as he sifts through the reports with one hand and scratches Uzumaki into a purring stupor with the other.

"Yes, Kazekage-sama." She pivots smartly and is about to walk out when a wicked thought occurs. She shouldn't, she really, really, really shouldn't… but… Oh hells. She turns back. "Gaara, you should put a collar on him in case he gets lost."

It's good to know even a stoic, inscrutable young man like Gaara can still blush.

Yes, she's still got it. Next time she'll have to ask him if he's finally had sex with Uzumaki. After all, it's a big sister's duty to embarrass her little brother every once and a while.

* * *

End

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Warnings:** Slash/Yaoi, humor (bordering on crack!fic-ness), neko-itis

**Pairings:** Gaara/Naruto

**Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Owned by Kishimoto Masashi, et al.

**Summary:** Naruto thinks he's a cat, and Gaara's fine with that.

A/N: Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.

* * *

::Cat Scratch Fever – 2::

* * *

"You know," she begins, holding the steaming cup of tea before her mouth like a shield, "you can't have sex with him." Three quick breaths interrupt the lazy curlicues of humid, pungent vapor. Still too hot. Maybe she has a—mental snort here—cat's tongue? "Not when he's like this," she adds with calm finality.

To his credit, Gaara doesn't try to prevaricate that sex with Uzumaki isn't even on his mind. He gives her a tepid version of his once-immolating glare and fends off one of Uzumaki's feints for attention, which involves trying to nibble on his right earlobe and the silver piercings there. At least he's given up on sticking his face in Gaara's crotch—and, again, she wonders how much is the cat-_genjutsu_ and how much is Uzumaki.

Team Seven, or the remains of it, left two days ago with the remaining rogue-nin, all of whom were tied up with Hatake-san's specialty knots; said knots were strangely similar to the kind most often used in her "Bondage Boyz" graphic novels… Hmm…

Unfortunately for Uzumaki, the _genjutsu_ will continue for another week or so, and any attempt to disrupt his _chakra_ flow or the use of other techniques to break the _genjutsu_ will reset the illusion-trap's timeframe. So, in favor of dealing with only one menace at a time, the Konoha team has decided to leave the blond in Suna's care for the interim while they return home with their prisoners. And every time she sees the boy, he seems to be wearing less and less—hence the whole sex talk right now during their family tea in the Kazekage's office.

Uzumaki has once again claimed her brother's lap for his own, while she sits across the polished stone desk from the two. Poor Gaara hasn't had a single sip of the ginger-_cha_; he's more like to spill it all over the place what with Uzumaki-nekochan's constant movement. Temari is on her second cup.

Yesterday Uzumaki still had his orange and black jacket on. Today he's down to boxers and the mesh undershirt. Does she even want to know where the rest of his clothing went? No. Not in the least. But, damn, the boy's got better legs than her. All smooth and sleek and well shaped. She wonders if Haruno-san is jealous of her blond teammate's calves. They're very nice. Why do the gods give such features to those who will never appreciate them?

"It would be considered rape," she continues after a few more sips of the aromatic tea. Gaara maintains his almost-petulant silence. Still just a boy for all that he's Kazekage now. "Having sex with someone under a _genjutsu_ is the same as having sex with someone who is intoxicated or drugged. It all comes down to whether or not a person can legally consent when his or her judgment is impaired."

"I am aware of that," her brother replies with a deliberately uninflected voice. She raises her brows in provocation and smiles behind the rim of her cup. Uzumaki bumps his nose against Gaara's cheek, displeased that the scratching has temporarily ceased.

"Then where do his clothes keep going?"

The saturnine redhead, her strange and rather adorable little brother, snorts derisively and then resumes petting the blond when the other boy starts to make unhappy mewls. "He refuses to wear clothing. It has been a struggle to keep him decent by any stretch of the imagination."

She's about to suggest that he receive some help with the fair-haired nuisance, then she remembers how pissy he gets when anyone tries to separate them or interfere. He's actually enjoying having Uzumaki like this, the little perv. She bites back a wide, sisterly-knowing smirk and reaches for one of the square pink-and-white tea sweets stacked on the gray ceramic serving dish. For the amount of sugar that actually goes into them, the sweets aren't that sweet, but she likes them anyways. They offset the bitter and spice of the tea.

"Try to keep his boy-bits covered for the council members' sake, won't you, Gaara? You two nearly gave them all heart attacks when you went to that meeting yesterday and he didn't have any pants on."

There, another blush crawls down her brother's pale cheeks. This is—what?—four in the past forty-eight hours?

"He makes things difficult," is Gaara's terse reply to her affectionate teasing.

"But you wouldn't have it any other way."

He smiles, the faintest up-curving of his lips. "No, I would not."

Uzumaki purrs contentedly.

* * *

End

* * *

A/N: People kept bugging the author for another. But this is the end. Totally the end. /suspicious look around/

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Warnings:** Slash/Yaoi, humor (bordering on crack!fic-ness), neko-it is

**Pairings:** Gaara/Naruto

**Rating:** PG-13

**Disclaimer:** Owned by Kishimoto Masashi, et al.

**Summary:** Naruto thinks he's a cat, and Gaara's fine with that.

A/N: Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.

* * *

::Cat Scratch Fever – 3::

* * *

Naked and clinging to the head of one of the giant Kage statues in the great hall, Uzumaki Naruto finally comes to his senses.

Temari can see the exact moment the _genjutsu_ fades and the boy returns. He goes from close to six feet of spitting, snarling cat-boy, to confused and embarrassed Uzumaki. She considers telling him that no matter how much he flattens himself against the statue's head, it's still pretty obvious he has no clothes on—especially since the statue's head is curved and thus making his shapely ass quite visible. Damn, she can almost understand her little brother's obsession with it. It's a rather nice posterior.

All perverted amusement aside, she's relieved the ordeal is finally over. Gaara had trusted her to keep the blond in check while he went into a private conference with several visiting civilian leaders to negotiate some rather sensitive trading agreements; and Uzumaki-nekochan was having none of that.

While it's difficult to extract a panicked and furious cat of the normal persuasion from such a high perch, it's downright impossible to do it with a cat-boy who has the strength and agility of a trained shinobi. Temari and a handful of others have just spent the past thirty minutes incurring numerous injuries trying to do the impossible. She doesn't even want to begin to contemplate what the Kazekage would have done to them had something happened to the blond boy. She's quite certain that her little brother would go to war with the rest of the world for the sake of Uzumaki—a rather terrifying thought that.

"T-Temari-san?" said blond calls out with an embarrassment-strained voice as he peeks down at them, face a deep, tomato red. "What's going on?"

"What's the last thing you remember?"

She can practically see the hamster wheel turning in his brain. The moment of silence stretches.

"Fighting those rogue shinobi. This one guy started doing a weird _justsu_ and—that's it… mostly…"

"Mostly?" Must not leer. The captain of an elite _jounin_ squad does not leer.

Naked-Uzumaki fidgets atop the statue, looking close to humiliated tears. "I didn't do anything… weird, did I? To Gaara, I mean."

"We-ell…"

"Temari-san! Temari-san! I found the Kazekage-sama!"

The blonde woman nearly curses the breathless, overenthusiastic _genin_ that comes tripping down the hallway. Damn, now she can't tease Uzumaki anymore. She doesn't consider herself a sadist, exactly, but there is just something so pleasurable in getting a rise out of the loudmouth shinobi. Well, if she's going to be handing over her brother's heart to him, she might as well get _something_ out of the whole deal. It's also payback, petty as that sounds, for the fact that he doesn't even know he has Gaara's heart. Poor baby brother, why must you be besotted with such a thickheaded idiot?

"What is going on here?" said baby brother asks as soon as he sees the crowd of people, including Temari, milling about the base of the statue.

She sketches a quick bow. "It seems Uzumaki has—"

"Gaara, help me! I'm naked!"

One thing is for certain, Temari has never seen _that_ particular expression ever cross the redhead's face. It starts out as something akin to shock as his pale green eyes catch sight of Uzumaki, naked as the day he was born, waving frantically atop the head of the Third Kazekage's statue. Then the fact registers that Uzumaki _is_ naked and begging—for help, but Temari doesn't think that part has quite penetrated yet, and, dear me, not the word she should be using right now—and Gaara's countenance turns… well, language hasn't evolved sufficiently to describe the look on his face. Suffice it to say, it's an expression she never thought she'd see Gaara turn on anybody, even Uzumaki. It causes the shinobi around him to blush at the intensity of it and to turn their gazes everywhere but at their leader. That is a look that should never leave the bedroom.

"Gaara?" the stranded blond calls again.

"Everyone, leave."

Everyone falls over themselves to obey the Kazekage's bitten out command. Temari is halfway out of the hall before she even realizes she has moved. She very, very briefly considers going back and then rejects that idea. It's for the best, really.

Uzumaki is a big boy. He'll be fine.

Probably.

* * *

Temari debates turning around and pretending that she hasn't seen anything, urgent request forms be damned. No, that would be irresponsible. Straightening her shoulders she fully pushes open the heavy door and walks inside.

Blushing and looking vaguely shell-shocked, Uzumaki perches awkwardly on her brother's lap. Gaara seems not the least bit put out about this. In fact, he gently yet forcibly restrains the blond with a rope of sand when Uzumaki tries to scramble to his feet upon noticing Temari's entrance. Uzumaki flails, squawks and finally settles down with an embarrassed pout. Though expressionless, Gaara gives off the air of one who is supremely satisfied with his current situation as he reads through a pile of request scrolls.

She feels a flutter of sisterly pride and a touch of melancholy. Looks like her baby brother is all grown up now and sexually harassing his beloved.

And is that a leather collar around Uzumaki's neck?

* * *

~End!!!~

* * *

A/N: Yes, this is truly, truly the end. The last one. No more—at least under this penname. Yes, the author has decided to slough off the skin of this penname and start going by a shiny new one. Thank you all very much for your patience and your support. Zie already has a tentative sequel to this piece in mind. Please look forward to it under the name **Qismat Qami**. /hugs and kisses/

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End file.
